Recently I was asked to share a testimony during my church's Christmas Eve service.  My pastor said to share a testimony of how God has appeared in my life--the theme of that night's service.  Naturally I thought of Joe's cancer diagnosis and started thinking of how God showed up during that trial.  Since I basically wrote my testimony as if I was writing a blog post, I thought I'd share it here.  So, how did God appear in my life?

Joe and I finally made it on our little getaway!  This year we celebrated 10 years married and had loosely planned on a tropical vacation alone.  Then the diagnosis happened and that turned into a still wonderful getaway to a beautiful house on the beach in Charleston, SC.  Then the infection happened and that turned into a 3 night getaway to local Maine.  I'm not gonna lie- initially I was heartbroken.  I couldn't even bring myself to update you here on Taste{Full} because I was so discouraged over yet another setback.  Since it was exactly around the time Joe's last chemo was supposed to happen I think I'd let my guard down and emotionally had moved on to our next phase in life.  But at the end of the day I knew that the important thin was that Joe was ok.  And if there's one thing I've learned this year it's that we can plan all we want but at the end of the day it's not totally up to us.  And I have faith that everything happens for a reason and that God will take what the enemy intended for evil and use it for good.  Quite honestly there are some people who aren't fortunate enough to get away ever.  to anywhere.  And going away is going away.  I still got to spend uninterrupted time with my boo.  And I still got a chance to miss my kids.  Cause we mamas need those opportunities every once in a while.  At least this mama does! And it made me thankful that we live near so many great coastal towns.  Because it truly was a wonderful vacation.  Speaking of coastal towns...

It's amazing how we take family photos every year, yet I forget how crazy it is! I suppose if you have calm or obedient children it's easy but my girls are definitely not the former and only sometimes the latter (unfortunately- but we only have ourselves to blame!).  Anyway, it seems Miss Jordan caught every moment in between the naughty moments.  She encouraged me to do them in the first place (though I was thinking she might have been regretting that in the thick of it!) and I'm so glad I did--especially after seeing them.  Here are a handful of my favorites:

Remember this depressing post  where I declared that I hate chemo?  Well I suppose I don't actually hate it.  I mean, it did its job.  My husband is in remission!!!!  He posted more details here, but I just wanted to stop in (I know- it's been quiet lately) to say Thank the Lord! Hallelujah!  The tumor is gone!  He still has 3 treatments and 2-3 months of its side effects.  And that still stinks.  BUT the perspective you get when you know it's working is priceless.  I'm so thankful.

moments after getting the news!

Other cancer news: During our church service Sunday, my father in law and a good friend shaved their heads on stage in order to surprise us with this announcement:

It was crazy. It was hilarious. It was shocking!  We are so honored and lucky to be a part of an amazing family and church family.  Besides our family, this benefit will go toward the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  Joe has found such value in that organization that it will always hold a place in our hearts.  From monetary assistance, to setting you up with a survivor to chat through experiences, they really are helpful.  If anyone local is interested in details let me know and I'll make sure you get them.

Joe finishing the job.

Like Father, like son.

No more news for now!  Next week I'll be sharing Genevieve's room.  For now, it's time to celebrate.

Have you ever been afraid to face your real feelings?  The ones that don't match what your mother says or what the Bible says or what you KNOW in your head to be true?  Maybe that's why I haven't written too much about Joe's journey here on Taste{Full}.  I mean you come here for parties and DIY right? Not cancer drama.  But maybe it's because we've made it through one round or because it's chemo day (round 2) or because I'm pregnant and emotional, or because my husband is so stinking strong that I feel like I need to be weak.  For a minute.  And what better place to do it than the world wide web? ha.

I hate chemo.  I do.  I hate that they call it "infusion therapy" as if that makes it suck less.  I hate that it makes my husband sick and weak and tired.  I hate that the effects trump the effects of pregnancy.  Because you know- it's my last one and I was really going to make him work! I hate that even though it's supposed to work, what if it doesn't?  I know it's going to make him well.  I know God gives us brains, which give us technology, which give us great medicine, which heal us.  I know people who don't have access to the medical care we have would probably want to punch me in the throat for taking it for granted.  I don't care.  I hate watching my husband being infused with something that, while eventually will make him well, in the meantime makes him sick.  It's hard. It's way harder than I thought it would be.  And I keep telling people it's MUCH better than I expected.  Which makes me realize I could NOT have handled what I expected.  Like I couldn't have watched him vomiting and retching and weak and nauseous. Because I might have wanted to curl up and go away.  Instead I just want to get through this.  

It really hasn't been as bad as I thought.  He's weak, tired, and nauseous but not like in the movies.  But it's still SO far from normal.  I mean I almost wish I had a husband like those they make fun of in sitcoms.  One who does nothing around the house and "babysits" his kids, rather than parents them. Maybe then it would be easier to not count on him, not rely on him, and not have the pleasure of his company.  But I don't. I have a phenomenal husband.  One that more than pulls his weight- practically speaking, spiritually, financially.  He pitches in. He keeps us strong.  Even now, while in pain at worst and in exhaustion at best, he keeps us strong.  He reminds me not to go by my feelings but by what we know to be true (by what our moms say and what the Bible says.  really.) He reminds me to stand on the word of God and have faith. He reminds me that our journey isn't just about us and that there's a bigger picture to consider.  He's "excited" [and I quote] "for what God will do through this."  Crazy kid.  And deep down I know.  And deep down, if 2 months ago, God had given me option A: to not go through this or option B: to trust Him that we will be better for it and it will positively affect some people we come into contact with and that we would be used by him, I would have chosen option B.  I wouldn't have said, "nope, God, I know better.  And I'd MUCH rather be comfortable.  Thanks but move on please."  My heart really is to be in His will.  Even when I don't get it.

Nevertheless it's hard.  And I'm sorry for the pity party.  I seriously just needed to get this off of my chest. And now I can exhale.  And have faith that we will get through this and we will be stronger for it. And God is holding us in the palm of his hand, leading us to a glorious destiny.  And if I know you all, you will rally around us like you have these past couple of months and I can lean on you a bit too.

Can I be honest? I still hate the word Chemo.  Chemotherapy.  It was what I was believing against. I was all about supernatural healing.  Even though I've learned about all of the side effects, with everything they say "you never know."  "It affects each person differently." "He could have no side effects at all." Or my favorite, "You're young and strong and will withstand this like a rock star." Still scary but I'm clinging to the peace of God that passes all understanding.  I've promised God and myself that I will trust Him every step of the way. Even when I don't get it.  To that end, Joe starts chemo on April 1st.

We keep saying we know God is going to work in us and through this.  "This" being a cancer diagnosis. God is already at work and we can see His hand during what should be a ridiculously scary experience.  I don't know why but I'm still hesitant to bare my soul about everything.  (I'm not as strong as my husband is). But for those who want to keep in the know, Joe's blog is here.  He named it Walking Through the Fire because from the beginning Isaiah 43:1-5 has been a bible passage we've stood on. The first few verses are below:

It goes on to say that we are precious and honored and God loves us and to not be afraid because he is with us.

Joe thought a blog would be helpful to keep friends and family up to date on what is happening.  He also wanted to chronicle this journey so we could look back and see how God wove everything together for his glory and our good. It scares me to type that because there is a very real threat to our family here and it's one I have to constantly bring under subjection.  I can't succumb to the fear.  I made up my mind to trust God every step of the way. Trust him when the biopsy goes wrong (Trust him that Joe needs a biopsy in the first place).  Trust him during a 3:30 am trip to the ER after the biopsy. Trust him when the diagnosis is in fact "cancer."  TRUST him.  I'm believing for complete healing for my husband.  But I'm not trusting in that.  I'm trusting in the Lord.  Whatever happens.  Whatever comes.  I trust God.

The Sunday after everything happened the song "Oceans" by Hillsong came on during the worship service at my church and it was as if my feet had a mind of their own.  I nearly ran to the altar, fell to my knees, and praised God. I praised Him because He is GOOD. I praised Him for carrying our family through this journey. I praised Him because it was all I could do.  The bridge to the song goes like this:

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Read more: Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I couldn't have said it better myself.  I want TRUST without borders.  He's taking me deeper than my feet could ever wander.  I want my faith to be made stronger. And I want to remain in his presence.  A friend said to me, Victims say "Why me?" Victor's say "What now?"  And I would add "Lord."  



I'm copying Joe's blog- I love that he ends each post with a song.  Here's the entire song "Oceans":

I don't know when and if I'll be comfortable posting details about everything we've gone through with my husband's health over the last week and a half. It's amazing how everything can change in an instant.  For now I will say that on Friday we will receive an official diagnosis as to whether he does in fact have Cancer, if it is Lymphoma (which they suspect), and which type. This post isn't about that.  Well I suppose it sort of is.  But mostly it's about the absolute love we've seen pouring out as a result of that.  Quick tangent: I'm really tired of Christians dissing the church--as in the Body of Christ.  Yes we have our faults and are not above being lovingly challenged.  But if I read one more article detailing what Christians need to stop doing, I might throw my laptop across the room.  Oh wait, Nadia already did that.  Hence my lost family reunion photos catastrophe.  But I'm tangenting from my tangent.  Anyway, the church has its faults.  Last time I checked it was made up of a bunch of humans.  So yeah, there's that.  But the body of believers I belong to...I have no words to describe the love these people have for others.  Both inside the walls of the church and outside.  If I have ever hated on the church, these past few days have made me slap my own wrist, bite my own tongue, and question my messed up motives.  These people are the hands and feet of Christ.  If he was here on Earth, he'd be hugging me, crying with me, comforting me, healing me, helping me.  He's not. So they do it on his behalf.  Let me show you what love is: