10 Things Not to Say to Me During the Final Weeks of Pregnancy11:41 AM
1. Your hands are going to be full!
No s$%t. They're full now. But thank you for stating the obvious.
2. I can't believe you're not due until September.
I can't believe I have the self control not to trip you as you walk up to the buffet table.
3. [After asking how I like the new minivan]: "Soccer mom! Soccer mom!"
4. Do you have a name?
Ok, I realize this one is ridiculous. Because it's pretty much the first question I ask when someone is expecting a baby and knows gender. But for some reason it bugs me. We do have a name but are not sharing. Primarily because I've gotten some not so appreciated comments on some names I have shared. And then there's the inevitable "Oh my best friend's son has that name." or "Oh, like [insert actor or character in movie here]" or "Oh I know 5 of them." or "Oh did you know [insert negative fact I don't want to know about the name here]?" And the problem is these most of these are perfectly normal things to say. They just bug me. Irrational? perhaps? But it's my list. And this question is on it.
5. You're getting bigger! or anything similar.
Yes, it's this strange phenomenon called growing a human inside of me. The little human will get bigger and so will I.
6. Are you getting an epidural?
Do I live in a 3rd world country? Will I receive an "epidural free delivery" trophy?
7. 3 kids is brutal or You're going to be outnumbered!
Thank you kind person I just met. I did not realize that raising children is difficult. I mean, I only have two perfect children who pretty much raise themselves. I also didn't realize that 3 was more than 2. I guess I really didn't think this through.
8. Just wait [fill in blank with some seriously depressing fact of life with kids here].
I try really hard not to be a "just wait" person. Just wait till you're not a newlywed anymore! or Just wait till you have kids! or Just wait till your kids aren't perfect newborns! Or just wait till life sucks! Because it's kind of rude.
9. Boys are so different.
I've heard they have penises. Wait, are there other differences?!!!
10. It's going to be (or is) really hard or a lot of work.
I suppose I could add this to number 7. Again, thank you for thinking of something negative to tell me during this exciting time in my life. Since I don't have any kids I sort of thought it was all fun and games. Oh wait, I DO have children...
And because I'm trying to be funny (mostly) but just sounding super sour, I'll add 5 things I've been told that I love and appreciate hearing!
1. Boys are so special! I can't wait for you to experience that special mommy/son bond!
2. You can do it! You'll adapt.
3. You look great/amazing/adorable. (I mean I know this admission might make me vain but I'm only human. I kind of like hearing nice things about myself).
4. I can't wait to see what he looks like!
In my best celebrity press release voice "I'm sorry if anything I said offended you." If it helps I did take the word "sadist" out. Also, I've probably said some version of all of these things at some point during my grown up life. And if I said it to you, I'm sorry. I
hope think at some point I'll come to my non-hormonal senses and realize people really do mean well.
5 weeks to go!