A few weeks ago we surprised our family with a gender reveal party! Up until people arrived they had no idea we knew the gender of our baby.  It was such a delicious secret to keep.  You might be wondering how this came to be. You might be clicking away onto the next blog by now. Well when I posted something on Facebook about the countdown until our ultrasound someone asked about the date.  It was a week after Joe started treatment so I mentioned that depending on how he felt we might reschedule.  I'd already talked to our family about having a little reveal party but the more I thought about it, the more that seemed risky considering Joe could miserable by then (7 days after his first Chemotherapy).

After yesterday's raw post, I thought I'd share the fun one I was working on when my emotions took over.  Today enjoy the last post of Nadia's Birthday party.  You know, before we're celebrating her 3rd birthday!  In this one, I'll share her birthday cake(s), some party people, and of course the most special part--the birthday girl smashing her cake and realizing "wait, this is all for me?"  I love that moment when kids look around at everyone singing for them!  So sweet!

Have you ever been afraid to face your real feelings?  The ones that don't match what your mother says or what the Bible says or what you KNOW in your head to be true?  Maybe that's why I haven't written too much about Joe's journey here on Taste{Full}.  I mean you come here for parties and DIY right? Not cancer drama.  But maybe it's because we've made it through one round or because it's chemo day (round 2) or because I'm pregnant and emotional, or because my husband is so stinking strong that I feel like I need to be weak.  For a minute.  And what better place to do it than the world wide web? ha.

I hate chemo.  I do.  I hate that they call it "infusion therapy" as if that makes it suck less.  I hate that it makes my husband sick and weak and tired.  I hate that the effects trump the effects of pregnancy.  Because you know- it's my last one and I was really going to make him work! I hate that even though it's supposed to work, what if it doesn't?  I know it's going to make him well.  I know God gives us brains, which give us technology, which give us great medicine, which heal us.  I know people who don't have access to the medical care we have would probably want to punch me in the throat for taking it for granted.  I don't care.  I hate watching my husband being infused with something that, while eventually will make him well, in the meantime makes him sick.  It's hard. It's way harder than I thought it would be.  And I keep telling people it's MUCH better than I expected.  Which makes me realize I could NOT have handled what I expected.  Like I couldn't have watched him vomiting and retching and weak and nauseous. Because I might have wanted to curl up and go away.  Instead I just want to get through this.  

It really hasn't been as bad as I thought.  He's weak, tired, and nauseous but not like in the movies.  But it's still SO far from normal.  I mean I almost wish I had a husband like those they make fun of in sitcoms.  One who does nothing around the house and "babysits" his kids, rather than parents them. Maybe then it would be easier to not count on him, not rely on him, and not have the pleasure of his company.  But I don't. I have a phenomenal husband.  One that more than pulls his weight- practically speaking, spiritually, financially.  He pitches in. He keeps us strong.  Even now, while in pain at worst and in exhaustion at best, he keeps us strong.  He reminds me not to go by my feelings but by what we know to be true (by what our moms say and what the Bible says.  really.) He reminds me to stand on the word of God and have faith. He reminds me that our journey isn't just about us and that there's a bigger picture to consider.  He's "excited" [and I quote] "for what God will do through this."  Crazy kid.  And deep down I know.  And deep down, if 2 months ago, God had given me option A: to not go through this or option B: to trust Him that we will be better for it and it will positively affect some people we come into contact with and that we would be used by him, I would have chosen option B.  I wouldn't have said, "nope, God, I know better.  And I'd MUCH rather be comfortable.  Thanks but move on please."  My heart really is to be in His will.  Even when I don't get it.

Nevertheless it's hard.  And I'm sorry for the pity party.  I seriously just needed to get this off of my chest. And now I can exhale.  And have faith that we will get through this and we will be stronger for it. And God is holding us in the palm of his hand, leading us to a glorious destiny.  And if I know you all, you will rally around us like you have these past couple of months and I can lean on you a bit too.

So I've begun to gather some ideas for the nursery.  But I say nursery planning "sort of," because I'm trying to be realistic.  I really have little time, energy, or budget for this nursery.  I can't rely on Joe too much for manual labor so I really need to keep it simple.

So, we had our ultrasound today but to be honest we already knew the gender of our baby!  I know- I can't believe I kept it a secret for 7 days.  WHAT?!  I'll tell you that story later because I know you want to get to the good stuff...So...here....Goes...............................................................................

Can I be honest? I still hate the word Chemo.  Chemotherapy.  It was what I was believing against. I was all about supernatural healing.  Even though I've learned about all of the side effects, with everything they say "you never know."  "It affects each person differently." "He could have no side effects at all." Or my favorite, "You're young and strong and will withstand this like a rock star." Still scary but I'm clinging to the peace of God that passes all understanding.  I've promised God and myself that I will trust Him every step of the way. Even when I don't get it.  To that end, Joe starts chemo on April 1st.