I hate chemo. I do. I hate that they call it "infusion therapy" as if that makes it suck less. I hate that it makes my husband sick and weak and tired. I hate that the effects trump the effects of pregnancy. Because you know- it's my last one and I was really going to make him work! I hate that even though it's supposed to work, what if it doesn't? I know it's going to make him well. I know God gives us brains, which give us technology, which give us great medicine, which heal us. I know people who don't have access to the medical care we have would probably want to punch me in the throat for taking it for granted. I don't care. I hate watching my husband being infused with something that, while eventually will make him well, in the meantime makes him sick. It's hard. It's way harder than I thought it would be. And I keep telling people it's MUCH better than I expected. Which makes me realize I could NOT have handled what I expected. Like I couldn't have watched him vomiting and retching and weak and nauseous. Because I might have wanted to curl up and go away. Instead I just want to get through this.
It really hasn't been as bad as I thought. He's weak, tired, and nauseous but not like in the movies. But it's still SO far from normal. I mean I almost wish I had a husband like those they make fun of in sitcoms. One who does nothing around the house and "babysits" his kids, rather than parents them. Maybe then it would be easier to not count on him, not rely on him, and not have the pleasure of his company. But I don't. I have a phenomenal husband. One that more than pulls his weight- practically speaking, spiritually, financially. He pitches in. He keeps us strong. Even now, while in pain at worst and in exhaustion at best, he keeps us strong. He reminds me not to go by my feelings but by what we know to be true (by what our moms say and what the Bible says. really.) He reminds me to stand on the word of God and have faith. He reminds me that our journey isn't just about us and that there's a bigger picture to consider. He's "excited" [and I quote] "for what God will do through this." Crazy kid. And deep down I know. And deep down, if 2 months ago, God had given me option A: to not go through this or option B: to trust Him that we will be better for it and it will positively affect some people we come into contact with and that we would be used by him, I would have chosen option B. I wouldn't have said, "nope, God, I know better. And I'd MUCH rather be comfortable. Thanks but move on please." My heart really is to be in His will. Even when I don't get it.
Nevertheless it's hard. And I'm sorry for the pity party. I seriously just needed to get this off of my chest. And now I can exhale. And have faith that we will get through this and we will be stronger for it. And God is holding us in the palm of his hand, leading us to a glorious destiny. And if I know you all, you will rally around us like you have these past couple of months and I can lean on you a bit too.
